From the A.P. desk, 7:04am February 27, 2013
A spokesman for Santa Claus has announced a layoff of 50% of
his elite elves workforce, effective immediately. The total workforce,
estimated at approximately 7,000 little people has worked for Mr. & Mrs.
Claus for generations. Mr. Claus said “When I first started in this business,
there were only 25 Elves. “ As the world’s population grew, so did the elf
population at the North Pole. In fact,
the elf population grew at a rate 3X the regular population rate, probably
attributable to a lot of time off during the year, as well as having to spend a
lot of time indoors due to the harsh North Pole winters.”
The spokesman, Hans Claus, said “1000 of the 3500 laid off
workers will be retrained to work in a top-secret state-of-the-art factory and/or
distribution center that is currently being built in an undisclosed location
in the North Pole. The elves will be
trained in the latest robotic manufacturing technologies, as well as logistics.
A special group of elves will be trained in logistics and will develop and implement the delivery of presents around the world via
the latest laser guided drone technology in order to address the increased
delivery demand. If successful, the
drone program will insure Christmas deliveries well into the next century.”
Mr. Claus said “I have an obligation to ensure the long-term
viability of the Claus family business.” If this program is successful, I
anticipate a productivity assessment of the rest of the organization in 2015.
We are just following trends and technologies that increase productivity and increase the customer "experience".
The 2500 permanently laid off elves will be given 12
month’s pay, a discretionary retraining expense account to help migrate to
another industry, and a generous travel expense allowance to move their
families to a new location.
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are holding a press conference
at noon today in Chicago to protest this mass re-organization of the Claus
family business. “A boycott of the Claus business is not anticipated”, said Mr.
Jackson’s spokesperson.
