October 14, 2013
The discovery that Gayle Fargotstein, my sister, had died
October 8th, 2013, has obviously unleashed a torrent of emotions
among my fellow siblings, and each of us has our own way of dealing with not
just her death and the way she died, but also with the way she lived her life -
and how we reacted to her.
I loved Gayle very much, but she was not a person who was
easy to love, and I could only love her at a distance. I can’t help but wonder
how Gayle’s life (and Esta’s) might have been different had she not moved in
with Esta – how all our lives might have been different. I wonder how Max and
Esta - if they were looking down at the entire life of Gayle, would react to
this last chapter of her life. How would they judge her - and how would they
judge us? How would they judge themselves? Each of us will have to live with
those unanswered questions.
Gayle (and Esta) helped Kay and I get through our divorce by
helping us with David, Sam and Molly. They would pick them up at school, feed
them snacks and helped us mold them into the fine adults that they are today. I have no doubt that whatever benefit my
children got from being with Gayle, she received and equal amount of joy from
their company, and truly loved them with all her heart – as if they were her
own at times. Gayle, I will always be grateful to you for this, and my kids are
grieving deeply over your death.
Looking forward there are lessons that I hope my siblings,
kids and friends take to heart from the death of Gayle. Going forward we need
to appreciate each other in a different light, and realize that we don’t have
to win every argument between us. We need to end each conversation on a good
note - because there is a possibility that it may be the last conversation we
ever have together.
With all that said, destiny has a huge part in where life
takes us, but we do have choices in our life, choices that can influence destiny.
The concept of “family” (especially in a Jewish family) is traditionally
extremely close, which is at odds with the societal demographic changes in
America. Siblings live in different cities, connected by cell phones, the Internet
or Facebook - instead of closely together in the same city, neighborhood or
house. You have to invest in a relationship to maintain it, and a hug is so
much more intimate than a cell phone call. I pray that my fellow siblings will remain
close in the future, and also that the many nieces and nephews will learn from
Gayle’s life and make the effort to maintain a close extended family far, far
into the future.
Even though we bury Gayle today, her memory lives on in the family
and all of the nieces and nephews who loved her. May she find the peace in
death that she found so hard to find on earth.
Very Sincerely,
Shep Fargotstein
