I Miss:
Our lunches at Soulfish
Your happiness when I bought the house on South Cox
Your excitement when I bought you a whole house full of furniture at IKEA
Your hugs
Having you at family dinners
Having you at family holidays
Your happiness to see me when I visited you when you lived out of town
Having my arms around my 2 sons at the same time
Seeing you and Sam and Molly together laughing and joking each other
Hearing you and Sam and Molly talking about all the good times at Shady Fern Cove
You and Sam arguing and needling each other in the back seat of the car when you were little
Seeing you in the kitchen talking to Margaret at my house when I come home
Helping you set up your new life on South Cox
Miss canoeing with you and Sam
Miss us vacationing on the cruise
Miss celebrating your birthday in New Orleans
Seeing you happy
You when you were a little baby because you were so cute
Baby Dave sleeping in my arms
You loving on your little brother Sam.
Your annoying tapping on the table
Your odor of Marlboros and sweat
Seeing you and Molly late at night in the living room watching TV and talking
Buying you half gallon jars of hot sauce
Buying your favorite foods at Costco
Seeing you cut the grass and planting trees around the house
Your drawings
Having hope that you will one day you will give up your resistance to being conventional and will settle down in a job and get into a healthy relationship
Having hope that you will kick you addiction to drugs
I Wish:
I could have realized how desperate you really were in your life
You could have been honest with yourself
You could have been honest with me
You could have been honest with your mother
You could have been honest with Sam and Molly
You could have realized that you could have made it through the rehab
You could have believed in yourself
I had gotten to your house 5 minutes earlier
Lena had called me 10 minutes earlier and warned me about her concerns for you
I could have delivered you to Cumberland Heights the next day
I did not have to carry the pain of losing you to suicide
I did not have to carry the anger about this final, stupid act of yours
I did not have to see the pain in your mother, Sam and Molly
I wish I could un-remember the sheer panic when Margaret and I drove 100 MPH to your house while calling the EMTs.
I could un-see your body hanging on the door
I could un-see your body falling to the ground when I cut you down
I could un-hear the thud of your body hitting the ground when I cut you down.
I could permanently replace my anger with the empathy I have for you - when I think it all through
I could take back some of the things I said to you about the timetable to return home after rehab because I feel I may have overwhelmed you when you were mentally weak.
I would have picked up on some of your blank stares and – in hindsight – telling responses to my questions (David, where are your survival skills?) that should have clued me in on the possibility that you were suicidal.
I Hope:
That you are no longer in mental agony and in a peaceful place if there is an afterlife
That if there is a Heaven, you are with Aunt Gayle, Suva and Papa Max
That I can learn to live with the pain of your suicide knowing it will never go away.
That Kay can live a happy life with the pain of her first son committing suicide
That Molly and Sam will always remember you as a good big brother
That Molly and Sam have a happy life, despite the loss of their big brother.
That if there is a heaven and you can hear me, know that I love you and forgive you.
That if you can hear me, know that I always was proud that you were my son. I may have seemed at time to be annoyed that you weren’t even trying to make it – but I was always proud that you were my son…..big keychain and all dangling from your pants.
I love you David,
