What is love?

Max Fargotstein on on love and Marriage. Written on August 5th, 1970, at age 57 yrs.

Max Fargotstein (07/22/1913 – 07/02/989), was married to Esta (Katz) Fargotstein (October 25th, 1919 – January 2nd, 2009). Max and Esta had 6 children, Susan, Gayle, Emily, Laura, Shep and Bill (4 girls and 2 boys). This letter - Max’s vivid description on how to tell when you are in love, was to written to Emily when she was 22 years old. I believe the wisdom of Max’s point of view has stood up to the test of time, and are as valid today as they were 40 years ago.

As for my children, David , Sam and Molly Fargotstein: I am SOOOO pleased that this letter articulating my father’s (your grandfather’s) philosophy about love and marriage has survived 40 years. This is truly a gift, and I am putting it up on my internet blog and hope that thousands of people read it. The irony of this letter is that I am currently 55 years old – roughly the same age as my father when he wrote this letter.
Shep Fargotstein 12/12/2009

Aug. 5, 1970
Dear Emily,

Your mother told me a few days ago that you had asked her again how you could tell when you were in love. This is quite a question and I am sure you will get as many answers as there are different people to give them to you.

First of all, I don’t really know what love is. I think if you want to find something that you can sink your teeth into, you might call it a state of “very deep affection”.

I think one of the most horrible things that have happened to the children in the last 20 years is that they have been so romanticized and brainwashed by books and movies and a lot of double talk that their emotions and what they expect out of life is quite confused. There is no simple answer to this question and this “ state of deep affection” varies so much because everybody has a certain amount of affection that they can give or rather I should say, do give, and their reactions vary greatly.

I am going to try to approach this from a woman’s angle, if I may, because that is the one you are really interested in. I think that a woman normally is first attracted to a man by the way he looks and the way he acts and the other mannerisms which I am perhaps not too aware of. This is more or less the icing on the cake that draws the flies.

After you have a strong attraction, a woman, whether she admits it to herself or not, is whether she respects the person she is attracted to. Respect has absolutely nothing to do with attraction and when I say respect, I mean as a man in the best meaning of the word. By this, I mean, if she respects what he believes in - and he is a man of principle. I don’t mean that you are looking for an angel, but you want somebody that you know believes in what he thinks is right and I think it is almost universal - though you might not live by the same code, you can admire what he is and what he believes in.

I think one of the most important gauges of this “state of deep affection” is how you feel when you introduce him to the people you respect and admire. If you feel proud - if everything else is as it should be, then you have what I call a good start.

I think a woman has to consider, even though she may do it unconsciously, if he is the kind of person who would never under any circumstances hurt her, physically or mentally.

I think a pretty good gauge of this is to see what type of person you are interested in and then honestly ask yourself “would I like for my children to be exactly like him?”

I have seen good marriages and very poor marriages, even though some of them still stay together, where one of them married because the other party needed them. There is no such thing as a successful marriage with one of the two leaning on the partner but rather, a good marriage is like two boards tilted at an angle, and supporting each other. This business of bells ringing and lightening flashing is a lot of bull and if anything such as this did happen - it happens 30 years after the marriage.

A good marriage, and I mean this in the finest meaning of the word, has to have, I think, all of these ingredients, plus there must be enough in a financial way to make life bearable. Money is not the most important thing in the world but the absence of it can sometimes be a tragedy - if it’s about a pair of shoes, the rent or a doctor bill. It is very hard to be happy and content when the frustrations and anxieties of money matters are constantly at your throat.

I don’t think I have to tell you what a good marriage is because I think you have seen it in your own home, but this is not where they start. They are built memory by memory, consideration by consideration, by the tender touch and loving glance.

What I am trying to say to you in a very awkward way is that the more you put into a marriage, the more you get out of it and the basic ingredients must be there before a marriage has a chance of really growing and becoming the source of pleasure and contentment it can be. Don’t expect anything worthwhile to be easy and while a person might think that this is something they can never experience, I believe two decent people, if properly qualified, can build their “enchanted cottage” by putting together the best that is in them into a marriage.

You will notice that I am intertwining marriage and love because this is what it is all about. Morals may change, customs may change, but the man-woman relationship basically never changes and the ingredient that made a good marriage 100 years ago, are still valid today.

I realize I will never put Shakespeare out of business, but if you even get one thought out of this, I will be very happy.

I am mature enough to know that I have to expect disappoint in my children and it would be silly to think otherwise, but I never felt nor will I ever accept the feeling of being ashamed of any of my children. When I say ashamed, it is not for what other people may think and feel - but the way, I, myself feel inside of me about their conduct and attitude.

Love,
Daddyo

Dear Laurie,
I am enclosing a copy of this letter I wrote to Emily and I would appreciate it if you would read it, as I imagine the same question has, or will, at some time come to your mind and you might want to read this and give it some thought.

Love,
Daddyo